although benda ni happened dah almost a week ago, aku still teringat vividly how i felt when my bestfriend asked me about it.
"kau dah ready ke if aku nak bertunang this year?"i answered with a question.
what do you mean by ready ke tak? yang nak kawin-nya kau. aku ready baju jer. with a small giggle, as if it was something funny and nothing to be worried about.
honestly, i was caught off-guard with that question. i know what she meant; directly and indirectly. but i was concerned about the indirect means. i assumed she was asking if i am ready to loose a friend which will shift her priority entirely, without complaints.whether i could adapt with the situation where i can't always rely on my friend if i have issues or problem because she has another important thing to worry about. whether i could for once, accept the fact that life is not really about having fun and it's time to buckle up and endure a relationship, permanently; and if she is ready, she would want me to understand that.
panjang maksud indirect tu but like i said, it's from my anticipation. probably my best friend could explain the actual meaning. hopefully, i didn't side-track too far.
the real answer is, i don't. although we had a brief straining relationship before, we don't really hang-out as much as we used to, we seldom contacted each other for the past few months, i still feel my best friend here has a special spot in my life and knowing the fact that she's going to get marry does make me feel uneasy.
uneasy, not unhappy.
i know this may sound selfish but it feels like i'm loosing the credential as her bestfriend. the first person to know what's in and what's not in her life, the first person to offer her the shoulder to cry on and the first person to whatever and whichever thing that's happening in her life.
perempuan memang macam ni kot. bila dah ada something special, they tend to take ownership pulak.
until i was reminded by someone's advice few years ago.
"for whatever worse, if he's kind, he will come back.tak kira la as a friend or better than that." (in relation to my break-up with azlan dulu.)
i know my friend here is the kindest. she may be the most justifiable person i have ever met, she may be the most particular person i have ever met (by particular , i was talking about a crisp ironed jeans although nak ke kedai tomyam jer), she may be sounded like lady-version of p.ramlee since she memorized every single lines in p.ramlee's movies, she may have won the race of who have the bigger boobs after i reigned since high-school ( :p ) , she may be the person who would be sleeping at the back of my car but bila ada gossip, suddenly her menyampuk voice will come out of nowhere and she may be saying "aku tak pernah dengar la lagu ni" tapi bila masok jer music, dia menyanyi bagai nak rak or "aku tak ada suara ni, sakit tekak" tapi bila masok jer lagu terra rosa, dia tarik sampai nak terkeluar anak tekak. yes, she maybe all that.
and she probably wouldn't have all the time like she used to and i have always be the one who feel kecik-hati if she can't make it.
i'm sure she's the type that will come back :)
We used to be in the same school, some of us were in the same class for the past 11 years and some of us left half-way to pursue a better future.
